


I Can't Do This Without You

by just_chiara



Series: 13 Reasons Why Tumblr Ficlets [8]
Category: 13 Reasons Why (TV)
Genre: Angst, Gen, Post-Season/Series 01, Pre-Season/Series 02, References To Canon Suicide Attempt, Tumblr Prompt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-06
Updated: 2018-10-06
Packaged: 2019-07-27 07:40:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,004
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16214519
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/just_chiara/pseuds/just_chiara
Summary: Set right after S1, when Alex is in a coma.Tumblr prompt: “You need to wake up because I can’t do this without you.”





	I Can't Do This Without You

How can they have let it happen again? How the fuck can _he_ have let it happen again?

The posters covering the walls, the educational videos, the endless talks. For the past few weeks, all every adult could talk about was how to recognize the signs, how to help, how to be a part of the solution rather than the problem. And still they all missed it. Again.

Alex was right: those posters were useless.

Or, maybe: Zach is useless.

He’s spent the past month telling himself he couldn't have helped Hannah and he almost believed it. (Most days, anyway.) He can’t say the same thing now, though, can he? It’s different this time: he can’t claim ignorance anymore. He can’t hide behind other people's faults and mistakes. He can’t tell himself he could not have known.

He _should_ have.

He thinks back to the guilt and desperation in Alex’s eyes when they talked about the tapes for the first time. His words said he was angry and scared, but his eyes told a different story. Zach should have known then that he was in more pain than he was ready or willing to admit.

He should have known when Alex left the jazz band and said it was pointless. Instead, he didn’t think much of it. And when he saw Alex floating in Bryce’s pool fully clothed, he believed the lie about being drunk and falling in. He shouldn’t have. He should have known better.

He should have talked to Alex when he almost got them all killed in the car, that night when he refused to slow down, when he didn’t seem to care about consequences, about dying. When he seemed to welcome it. It was easier to dismiss the thought and laugh about it. Would they still be here, in this hospital waiting room, had he talked to Alex then? Probably not.

He remembers telling Alex the fight with Montgomery was a mistake because it attracted attention. Why didn’t he ask him the real reason behind it instead? Why did he worry more about the hypothetical consequences of the tapes getting out, than the very real ones those tapes were already having on all of them? On Alex? Didn’t he hear Alex mention killing himself at least twice? Didn’t he see him disappear under the weight of the guilt he felt?

How many signs did he miss? How many did he ignore?

How many times could he have reached out, really talked to him, really listened to him?

This is on him.

And he swears: if Alex survives this, he’s going to be there for him.

Please. Please let him survive this.

* * *

Zach is sitting by Alex’s bed. It’s been a week and he’s still in a coma. The doctors don’t think he’s going to wake up and Zach is starting to believe it. Every day, he feels like more of Alex is fading away. He fears one day he’s going to come in and there’s going to be nothing left.

He’s come to visit every day, but this is the first time he’s found himself alone with Alex.

“Alex?” he calls in a whisper. Nothing happens. _Of course_. It’s not like he was _expecting_ his friend to open his eyes, but it still hurts when he doesn’t.

He also feels stupid talking to him, but Alex’s parents said he should do it if he feels like it. They don’t know for sure if it helps, but it certainly doesn’t hurt.

“So, we won the basketball game last night. Which you don’t give a shit about, do you? But it’s the only good news I’ve got. Everything else is falling to pieces. We don’t know where Justin is. He just… left. I fucked up, Alex. With him and with you. I fucked up bad.”

He takes Alex’s hand. His skin looks so pale it’s almost translucent. Zach can see the blue veins on his wrist. He runs his thumb over them, then wraps his fingers around Alex’s cold, still ones.

“Jess hasn’t left the house in a week. She needs you, Alex. And I… I need you, too. You need to wake up because I can’t do this without you.” Zach’s voice breaks. He’s crying and right now he doesn’t really care if someone comes in and sees him. “Please, Alex. Please, just wake up.”

* * *

Zach is walking to fifth period when he gets the text. It comes from Alex’s number, which means one of his parents sent it. He holds his breath. Please, please Alex, please be alive.

He opens it and stares at the words on his screen.

_He’s awake._

That’s all the message says but it changes everything.

Zach knows it’s not a movie. He knows when he gets there Alex isn’t going to be sitting up and talking while eating Jell-O. The doctors warned them that, even if he did wake up, it was extremely unlikely that he would ever be the same.

Still. _Still_.

Alex is awake.

“Zach?”

Zach turns around. Clay Jensen is standing in front of him.

“Did you get the text? He woke up,” Clay says. He sounds the way Zach feels: like he can’t quite believe it. They’re not used to getting good news anymore.

Zach nods, unable to speak. Not trusting his voice right now.

Clay keeps talking: “Are you going to the hospital now? Can I get a ride?”

A few weeks ago, the idea of giving Clay Jensen a ride would have seemed hilarious. Completely absurd. But right now? Well, they both care about Alex, don’t they?

“Y-yeah. Yeah, of course. Let’s go.”

“Are you sure you’re okay to drive?” Clay asks as they make their way to the parking lot.

“Yeah, I am. It’s just…”

“I get it.”

Zach nods.

Alex is awake. It’s all he can think about. Alex is awake. Alex is awake. Alex is awake.

He’s going to do better by him this time. He’s going to be the best fucking friend Alex ever had.

**Author's Note:**

> Sequel: [I Almost Lost You](https://archiveofourown.org/works/16221335)


End file.
